Places, Faces, and Realizations.

Have you ever been in a room full of people, but felt completely alone?
Have you ever had so much on your mind that you literally can't think anymore?
Have you ever been in a place where you're not quite sure where you are, or where you're going from there, or how you'll get there, or when you'll get there, or what you'll face along the way of the journey?

The three above entities epitomize my current state of mind.

It's sooo crazy how the people you thought you could count on turn out to be the people who hurt you most.
At this point, I've lost almost all trust in any and everyone.
Does that make me a cold-hearted person?
I kinda feel like it does.
But it's just what the last few months of life have done to me.

Don't you just love how you make all these plans, and start to get your heart and mind set on something so great that is so sure to happen...and then it crumbles in front of you and there's nothing you can do to fasten the pieces back together enough to muster up something good out of the situation?
Okay, so truthfully my situation isn't that severe.
The pieces of the puzzle that have previously been assembled are still mainly intact.
There are parts though- such as the edges- that were at one point in time placed so solidly in place and are now lost until further notice.
It's a rough feeling.

And don't you just love it when you leave things up to someone else...and then they just let you sit there and wonder and don't let you know what they're thinking? What they've got planned? Even though you've made it clear that you need this person's input on the situation in order to make your decision adequately? Like yeah, it can be argued that my decision-making process shouldn't revolve directly around this one particular person and/or situation. That's true. I realize that, and appreciate that thought. However, it seems that everyone involved seems to have left out an important aspect to my personality and aforementioned decision-making process- I prefer to plan for EVERYTHING in some way or another, and without a plan of some sort, I myself begin to resemble a crumbling puzzle.

I swear, my life is so metaphorical and confusing at times. I can hardly keep up myself most of the time. I guess I need to just focus on what's right in front of me, and that's this new chapter I'm about to open in my life. Said chapter will take me to new heights of anger, frustration, lust, happiness, complacence, self-realization and exploration, love, and learning. While I'm looking forward to this, I'm heavily nervous and anticipation-filled. There's no looking back now. Tunnel vision kicks in *now*.

--I'm in a low, dark place right now...but I'm on my way back up. When I get back up, take cover. I'll be back, bitches.--

"Tryna See Eye to Eye, But It's Like We're Both Blind."

Scared.
Nervous.
Loving.
Worried.
Anxious.
Expectant.
Lethargic.
Complacent.
[in] competent.
Unsure.
Ill.
Bah humbug.

Adjectives.
Yeah those.
I'm all of those, plus about 38 others.
How...you...and...yeah.
That about sums up how I feel right now.
Utterly...
-speechless-
How can you honestly expect me to know what to do in a situation like this?
And how can you continuously keep me on hold like this? It's like a never-ending cycle.
How do you affect me the way you do?
When are you going to tell me? I'm steady waiting for the day.
How do you expect me to go day to day and be just as happy as a lock, when you constantly impede my mood with your overwhelming wit and trifling trickery?
Am I inadequate?
Is that it?
If so, then why would you make all those plans (true, you haven't called them off yet, but who knows what could happen at this point?) and build me up to seem like something that I never thought I was, and then just throw something in like this?
I know you can't help it.
Per se.
But at the same time, you totally can.
You just won't.
So for now, I'll sit here and wallow in my self-pity and adventurous anger, and hope that you see the error of your ways, and just how much you hurt not only me, but yourself when you do things like this.

SHABBA!

"Living My Life Like It's Golden."

Today...was much better in comparison to the last few.
Well, so far anyway.
Suuuuure, I'm still unhappy and non-trusting and insecure and all those other bad adjectives that haunt my life like a persistent black cloud.
But I guess today it was easier to deal with.
It's quite possible that it was easier to deal with because I was greatly distracted all day.
So does that even count?
Darn.

Anyway, I found today to be a bit more...uplifting than the last few days that I've meandered through.
I didn't feel as if I was "lost on the roadddd" today, which is a sincere improvement.
I feel like I accomplished more today than I have in a long time.
Plus, I managed to rekindle a friendship (well...sorta) and strengthen another one that I care about dearly.
Anddd on top of that, my workout regiment is going well, so that's great :D.

I'm looking forward to my future as well.
I'm extremely worried about it in some aspects, but I'm looking forward to whatever comes my way.
I have faith that all will be okay, and my decisions will be justified.
And even better- I won't regret anything. No. Regrets.
Period.

So on that note, I'm going to go and finish enjoying my lovely evening.
I may just work out a bit more.
I've legitimately started to love it.
Not the working out part, of course.
Not the struggling and all that jazz.
But definitely the feeling I get when I do something correctly, and definitely the feeling that I get when I realize that even though I may not think so at certain times...I'll get to where I want to be.
I'll get there.
And that doesn't just apply to my exercising, either.
I'll get to where I want to be.
Wherever that is, I'll be there.
Save me a spot.
Reserve it.
I'm RSVP-ing with this post.
So keep it open and ready for me [DE].
I'm on my way. :)

Lyrics.

Rather than sifting and muddling through my feelings, I figured I'd just post some lyrics that I feel accurately describe how I'm feeling right now. So "Come on, it's gonna be a bumpy ride." - Avant, Making Good Love.


"Let's stay together until we're ghosts, I want to witness love, I've never seen it up close." - Drake feat. Alicia Keys, Fireworks.
"How did I end up, right here, with you, after all the things, that I've, been through? It's been one of those days, you try and forget about, take a shot and let it out, let's get right, now that I'm here baby show me a good time." - Drake, Show Me A Good Time
"I live for the nights I can't remember, with the people that I won't forget, spending all the money I just worked my ass off for doing things that I won't regret. I've been waiting way too long, long, long, long, tellin' everybody that I know we're about to be on, on, on, on. I ain't tryna look like a lie to these n-ggas that I came up with, that's my team, never would I let a [man] come between, what we doing right now, this our dream." - Drake, Show Me A Good Time
"Fame is like a drug that I've taken too much of, but I never ever trip- just peace happiness and love." - Drake, Up All Night
"The way I'm feeling, the things I say, all just happen when you pass my way." - Drake, Shut it Down
"I know n-ggas that would kill for this lifestyle, I'm looking forward to the memories of right now. Never forgetting from where I came, and no matter where I'm headed I promise to stay the same." - Drake, Unforgettable
"You could thank me now and oh my goodness you're welcome, you're welcome. At this point me is who I'm trying to save myself from." - Drake, Thank Me Now
"I'm lost on the road, don't know which way to go. I'm losing my mind, losing control of the wheel and I'm swerving on and off the road. I'm lost on the road, but survival is a must. Don't know who I can trust, I'm living in a rush, I don't understand the fuss, my brain is about to bust. I think I'm losing it, I might be losing it, I just might lose, am I losing my mind? And I'm so confused, I don't know what to do, and I need a clue before I run out of time. Am I losing it? Am I losing it? I think I'm losing, I'm losing my mind. Am I losing it? Am I losing it? I think I'm losing, I'm losing my mind." - Gorilla Zoe, Lost
"Always and forever, each moment with you, is just like a dream to me, that somehow came true. And I know tomorrow will still be the same, because we've got a life of love, that won't ever change, and...every day, love me your own special way. Melt all my heart away, with a smile. Take time to tell me, you really care, and we'll share tomorrow together. I'll always love you...forever." - Al Green, Always and Forever
"Baby you don't know, what you do to me, between me and you, I feel a chemistry. I won't let no one, come and take your place, because the love you give, can't be replaced. See no one else, loves me like you do. That's why I don't mind, to spend my life with you. I wanna please you in every way I can, wanna share my world, don't you understand? Your love is one in a million. It goes on and on and on. You give me a very good feeling, all day long." - Aailyah, One In A Million
"Keep drinking coffee staring me down across the table, while I look outside. So many things I'd say if only I were able, but I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by. You've got opinions man, we're all entitled to them, but I never asked. So let me thank you for your time and try not to waste any more of mine, and get out of here fast. I hate to break it to you babe, but I'm not drowning...there's no one here to save. Who cares if you disagree? You are not me, who made you king of anything? So you dare tell me who to be? Who died, and made you king of anything?" - Sara Bareilles, King of Anything
"Mahalo from the hardest act to follow, lately I've been drinking like there's a message in the bottle." - Drake, Thank Me Now
"Used to be valentines, together all the time. Thought it was true love, but you know [men] lie. It's like I sent my love with a text two times, called because I cared but I ain't get no reply. Tryna see eye to eye but it's like we're both blind, f-ck it, let's hit the club; I rarely sip but pour me some. 'Cause when it's all said and done, I ain't gonna be the one that [he] can always run to. I hate liars, f-ck love, I'm tired of trying. My heart big but it beat silent. I don't ever feel like we're vibing, because every time we're alone it's an awkward silence. So leave your keys on the kitchen counter, and give me back that ruby ring with the big diamond. Sh-t is over, what you trippin' for? I don't wanna have to let you go, but baby, I think it's better that I let you know." - Chris Brown feat. Tyga and Kevin McCall, Dueces
"Can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my poker face (she's got to love nobody). Can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my poker face (she's got to love nobody)." - Lady Gaga, Poker Face
"I'm not the type to get my heart broken, I'm not the type to get upset and cry. 'Cause I never leave my heart open, never hurts me to say goodbye. Relationships don't get deep to me, never got that whole 'in love' thing. And someone could say they love me truly, but at the time it didn't mean a thing. My mind is gone, I'm spinning around, and deep inside my tears I'll drown. I'm losing grip, what's happening? I stray from love, this is how I feel. This time was different, felt like I was just a victim, and it cut me like a knife when you walked out of my life. Now I'm in this condition and I've, got all the symptoms, of a girl with a broken heart, but no matter what you'll never see me cry." - Rihanna, Cry
"I don't know what it is that you've done to me, but it's caused me to act in such a crazy way. Whatever it is that you do when you do what you're doing, it's a feeling I want to stay. 'Cause my heart starts beating triple time with thoughts of loving you on my mind. I can't figure out just what to do, when the cause and cure is you. I get so weak in the knees, I can hardly speak. I lose all control, and something takes over me. In a daze, and it's so a-ma-zing. It's not a phase, I want you to stay with me. By my side, I swallow my pride. Your love is so sweet, it knocks me right off of my feet...can't explain why your loving makes me weak." - SWV, Weak
"I say, 'can you believe it,' as we're lying on the couch. The moment, I can see it yes, yes--I can see it now. Do you remember we were sitting there by the water? You put your arms around me, for the first time. You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter. You are the best thing that's ever been mine." - Taylor Swift, Mine
"Say you're sorry that face of an angel comes out just when you need it to. As I pace back and forth all this time because I honestly believed in you. Holding on, the days drag on, stupid girl--I should have known, I should have known. I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale. I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stair well. This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town. I was a dreamer before you went and let me down. Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around. Maybe I was naive, got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance. My mistake, I didn't know that to be in love, you had to fight for the upper hand. I had so many dreams about you and me, happy endings, and now I know...that I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale. I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell. This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town. I was a dreamer before you went and let me down. Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around." - Taylor Swift, White Horse
"I gave you the benefit of the doubt, till you showed me what you were about, your true colors came out, ohh. And your words couldn't hide the sin, because the truth about where you've been, is in a fragrance I can't recognize. Standing there, scratching your head, bloodshot eyes, drunk with regret. Hanging yourself ten feet over the edge. I'm done with this feeling like an idiot, loving you I'm over it. I just don't love you, don't love you no more. You, you are so yesterday, never thought you'd lose my love this way, now you're here begging me to stay. Oh you, you are so yesterday, I won't let you rain on my parade, don't wanna hear a thing you say. So yesterday..." - Toni Braxton feat. Trey Songz, So Yesterday
"You're better than the best, I'm lucky just to linger in your light. Cooler than the flip side of my pillow, that's right. Completely unaware, nothing can compare to where you send me, lets me know that it's okay, yeah it's okay and the moments when my good times start to fade...you make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed, sing like a bird, dizzy in my head, spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night. You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe, shine like gold, buzz like a bee. Just the thought of you can drive me wild, oh you make me smile." - Uncle Kracker, Smile
"When it hurts, will we still be the same two lovers all over each other? When it hurts, will we still see what we've got together, promise that we'll never ever be, temporary (not another), ordinary (nuh uh)? We should change people's definitions of love. So forget what you heard--the only way that this will work, is if you love me, when it hurts. Will you love me when it hurts?" - Avant, When It Hurts
"It's undeniable that we should be together. It's unbelievable how I used to say that I'd fall never. The basis is need-to-know, if you don't know just how I feel, so let me show you now that I'm for real. If all things in time, time will reveal, yeah, yeah. One, you're like a dream come true. Two, just wanna be with you. Three, [boy] it's plain to see, that you're the only one for me and, four, repeat steps one through three. Five, make you fall in love with me. If ever I believe my work is done, then I start back at one, yeah yeah yeah." - Brian McKnight, Back At One
"Easy come, easy go, that's just how you live oh, take take take it all but you never give. Should have known, you were trouble from the first kiss--had your eyes wide open...why were they open? Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash, you tossed it in the trash, you did. To give me all your love is all I ever asked 'cause, what you don't understand is I'd catch a grenade for ya, throw my hand on a blade for ya, I'd jump in front of a train for ya, you know I'd do anything for ya. I would go through all this pain, take a bullet straight through my brain. Yes I would die for you baby...but you won't do the same." - Bruno Mars, Grenade


There are so many more lyrics that I could post, but I think you get the idea.
I'm a crazed, semi-psychotic, spastic teenager with a cornucopia of thoughts and emotions running ramped through my veins.
I'm probably in need of a mental evaluation.
And I'd be willing to guess that you, yes you, never knew what I was going through.
You never knew that my entire day was filled with thoughts of stressful things and hard feelings.
Then again, you may have known.
Seeing as how you read my blog (hopefully).
But at the end of the day, one of the biggest things that I struggle with is perfection, or a lack thereof.
I constantly feel the need to be perfect, although the realist in me knows that being perfect is simply a myth.
It's merely a figment of the imagination.
I think that of all the lessons I've learned recently, the most important one is that I'm not perfect, and I never will be.
I'll always be a little crazy.
I'll always be a little moody.
I'll always be a little insecure.
And I'll always be...Amber.
I'm sad to say that if you can't handle that, then get out of the rodeo suckaaaa, because this chick is here to stay.
Wow...I just went Texas Country and Compton Ghetto all in the same sentence.
Help me?

SHABBA!

Canine.

So.
I have come to realize.
The more I look around.
The more I'm surrounded by happy people...
I just figured out what is missing from my happiness.
I WANT A DOG.
Like NOW por favor!
I'm officially impatient at this point.
I I I I I I I I I I...WANT A DOG.
Preferably a small hypoallergenic one.
Likeeeeeeeeeee...

A maltese! They're so tiny and cute and furry and best of all, THEY ARE HYPOALLERGENIC.

Perhaps I'd even like to have an...

Airedale Terrier! My mom had one of these when she was my age, and she loved him to no end. I want that sort of companionship, and an Airedale can certainly provide that.

I'd even go as far as to have a...

Bichon Yorkie Hybrid! Although they aren't purebred, who can resist that cutie patootie?! Not I...

So bottom line: I'M GETTING A DOG. I. Must. Have. A. Dog. Immediately. I'm actually going to be a brat about this. I'M GETTING A DOG.

End of story.

SHABBA!

Happy.

happy (adj): in high spirits; satisfied

synonyms: blessed, blissful, can't complain, captivated, cheerful, chipper, content, convivial, delighted, ecstatic, elated, exultant, gay, glad, gleeful, gratified, intoxicated, jolly, joyful, joyous, jubilant, laughing, light, lively, merry, mirthful, on cloud nine, overjoyed, peaceful, peppy, perky, playful, pleasant, pleased, sparkling, sunny, thrilled, tickled pink, upbeat, walking on air.

Believe it or not, all of the above adjectives describe my current feelings. Legit. Like I've never been so happy, blessed, blissful, etc. before in any stage in my life. Don't let my joy fool you though. I still have difficult situations going on in my life that make me wanna just...gahhh. But for the first time in- well, ever really- I have something to look forward to that's overshadowing the pain of the other stressful situations unfolding in my mind.
To sate your curiosity, I'll explain that I had one of the best conversations with one of the best people I know last night (besides God), and I'm sincerely convinced that no matter how bad things may get, there will always be hope. If you don't have hope, you don't have anything. If you have hope, you have everything. So in that respect, I like to think that I have everything. I may not have everything that I need to finish out my life...but I have everything I want. :)


SHABBA!

"I try but I can't fight it."

Allow me to start off this post by apologizing for not doing much blogging lately. I ran into a set of unfortunate circumstances and have not been up to organizing my thoughts until today. At any rate, I hope that you will forgive me and join me in this expedition called "Life" that we have all been subjected to muddling through.

Aside from my "unfortunate circumstances," I have been simply peachy since my last post. I have no room for complaints in any aspect. In fact, things have been quite...peaceful, for lack of a better word. I have had time to make a few revelations and confirm some thoughts that I've been twirling around in my mind for months, even years. Most importantly, I have made leeway in diagnosing my biggest, most important and most detrimental flaw and am taking steps to correct it.

Contrary to what many of you may think, my biggest flaw does not include any form of substance abuse or addiction to any addictive substance. I may give off that impression once in a while considering how spastic and "out there" I act, but that's simply not the case. I am, however, the most impatient person I know, and that's GOT to change. I'm constantly checking my watch (or the clock on my phone because after all, this IS the 21st century) to make sure I'm not late. More importantly, I'm constantly checking my phone to be sure that no one else is late, especially when I need them for something. Waiting for anything to happen is just like being strapped down to a table and restrained for dear life, regardless of what I'm waiting for. The closer the matter is to my heart, the more impatient I become. And don't let me encounter a commercial break during my favorite TV show that takes longer than three minutes. Let's just say that my attitude is not pretty.

My lack of patience has been rearing its ugly head time and time again and slowly protruding its way into my reality, no matter how much I subconsciously try to push it out of the way. In a nutshell, I've learned that it's best to deal with big issues like these as opposed to letting them grow and grow until they're out of control. Therefore, I will add "impatience" to my rapidly expanding list of flaws to correct and push forward in my aspirations, no matter what they may be.

SHABBA!