Part Two.

...that in mind. Right at this very moment, I should be focusing on my own goals and getting business done as I need to, just like he's doing. It's for the best, probably, because we both have goals and ambitions to be met and accomplished, and we can't possibly sustain a successful relationship without them. So from here on out, I have a new word. A new word to live by that applies to absolutely every aspect of my life. It's more than my motto, it's my mantra and the definition of my self-being. Wanna know the word? FOCUS. That's it. FOCUS. And that's just what I plan to do for eternity. FOCUS.

Metamorphosis.

My Senior Metamorphosis is as follows:
Speak only when spoken to. This applies to every human, animal, or object that I may encounter at any point in time. I'm tired of laying myself out there on the line for everyone to just step over and keep going, so I'm gonna put a stop to the demeaning manner of such.
Be honest when you say that you don't care what people think of me. My thing is, I just don't understand how the 6 of you think that you're gonna talk about me right in front of my face and that I wouldn't know. But it's whatever. You aren't putting any bread on my table or water in my tub, so your presence is irrelevant to me.
Don't give up. Don't even think about it. I need to delete that as an option. Here lately it's been a regular occurrence in my mind, and I'm not down with that.
Quit thinking so much about superficial, emotional matters, and focus on important things that will further my future and my progress. That pretty much explains itself.
Be less oblivious. I've got a major problem with that. Like MAJOR. And it's gotta stop..
Be optimistic, no matter what the situation. I've been so pessimistic lately, I've begun to piss my own self off, which further increases the pessimism.
Stop being a bitch to the few people in your life who care. That's for sure. That's like first and foremost.
Don't get so attached. If you are already too attached, begin to detach yourself. Good advice.
Quit being naive. If he wants you, he'll let you know. If not, he'll let you know. Probably one of the hardest, yet most obvious realizations to make.
Lose the attitude. It's unbecoming. It's becoming extremely ugly, and I don't appreciate it.
Respect everyone, but most importantly, respect yourself and demand the same respect from others. In other words, forced confidence.
Don't show your true emotions to anyone. I mean anyone. I have no idea what happened, because I used to not have a problem with this. It was automatic. But within the last, hmm, year or so? It's gotten ridiculous and I cannot seem to do quit sharing how I feel with the world.
Quit posting certain shit on Facebook. Too many nosey people in the world = too many people judging me based on my having a bad day, or saying "whatever," or getting pissed off and posting a resentful status. Be careful what you "like" on there, and who you talk to, and what you say, because just because you may think it's private, chances are that it probably isn't.
Become less indecisive. Something I've struggled with for years now, and had no luck in doing. I've gotta get better about it, though. It's interfered with my life for long enough now.
Don't make promises. It just makes you look like an unreliable idiot who can't control your life.
Refrain from talking about people. Golden Rule: "do unto others as you'd like them to do to you." All I can say is, I'm tired of being talked about negatively. So maybe I should try the Golden Rule out for a spin? I think so.
Never lie. Something I should have learned almost 17 years ago, but recently, I had a memory lapse and somehow forgot that lesson. I regret it, I do. I wouldn't be in as much physical and emotional pain as I'm in now if it weren't for the fact that I lied to literally EVERYONE in my life, including myself, but you live and you learn. I suppose I made such a mistake to be able to add this list of metamorphosis's.

And finally...(drum roll please)...

DON'T CARE. I do that too much, so I've gotta stop.

Well, all of these changes will have taken place before June 11, 2011.
This is gonna be even more of a difficult year...

SHABBA.

I am a wishy-washy girl, but it's a wishy washy world.

I have a terrible case of the wishy-washies. I'm sure you all read that last post, and if you haven't, please read that before you read this. But I'm just confused because...what if he's not really cheating? What I'm just paranoid as usual? What if I'm not though? What if he doesn't see me the same way as he did before, and now he's looking elsewhere? I mean 2 months apart is a long time to think, how do I know he didn't do just that? How do I know anything? Exactly. I don't. SHABBA.

Dueces.

"All that bullshit is for the birds, you ain't nothing but a vulture, uh-uh-uh.
Always hoping for the worst, waiting for me to fuck up.
You'll regret the day when I find another [guy], yeah.
You know just what I need, and you know just what I mean, when I tell you keep it drama free.
Ooooh, oh, oh oh oh oh oh oh, dueces. Ooooh, oh, oh oh oh oh oh oh, ch-chunkin' up the dueces.
Told you that I'm leavin...
I know you mad but so what? I wish you best of luck, and now I'm finna throw them dueces up!
I'm on some new shit, I'm chunkin my dueces up, to [him].
I'm movin' on to somethin' better, better, better.
No more tryna make it work.
You make me wanna say, bye bye, say, bye bye, say, bye bye, to [him].
You make me wanna say, bye bye, say, bye bye, say, bye bye, to [him].
Uh, used to be valentines, together all the time.
Thought it was true love, but you know [men] lie.
It's like I sent my love with a text two times.
Call because I care but I ain't gettin no reply.
Tryna see eye to eye but it's like we both blind,
Fuck it let's hit the club, I rarely sip but pore me some.
Because when it's all said and done, I ain't gon be the one that [he] can always run to.
I hate liars, fuck love I'm tired of tryin.
My heart big but it beat quiet...
I don't never feel like we vibin, because everytime we alone it's an awkward silence.
So leave your keys on the kitchen counter, and give me back that ruby ring with the big diamond.
Shit is over, so whatchu trippin for?
I don't wanna have to let you go,
But baby, I think it's better if I let you know...
I'm on some new shit, I'm chunkin my dueces up, to [him].
I'm movin' on to somethin' better, better, better.
No more tryna make it work.
You make me wanna say, bye bye, say, bye bye, say, bye bye, to [him].
You make me wanna say, bye bye, say, bye bye, say, bye bye, to [him]."

There couldn't possibly be any song that could describe how I feel right now more than this one.
Thanks Chris Brown.
I'm totally throwin up the dueces.
I'm done.
Like lemme break it down.
"All this bullshit is for the birds, you ain't nothin' but a vulture" is just like AHHHHH, true, because that's all he's being- a vulture.
He's out for more than he can handle and not worrying about what's really good for him, and he's going about it the wrong way, yet still pretending like nothing's wrong when you talk to me.
Yeah. Vulture.
"You'll regret the day when I find another [guy], yeah." Should we come to blows [not even like that] and have a discussion about this, and a breakup come out of it, he'll regret when he's with her and then he can't trust her & isn't satisfied because he thinks she's a hoe like he did back then. He'll realize that he was wrong, and that I was all that he was looking for wrapped up into a short little package, like he always said, and that'll be his fault. He'll regret it especially once I find someone else [if I even worry about that, because at this point I'm done with love] and he sees pictures of us and whatnot...he'll regret it and realize that all of the promises that were unfulfilled, dreams unmet, goals abandoned, and wishes disregarded are exactly what he wants, and he wants it with ME, not HER.
"I know you mad but so what? I wish you best of luck, and now I'm finna throw them dueces up!" He'll say that it's not true, and that he still loves me, and try to deny it, but my thing is- how do I know she's the only other one? I mean if I'm seeing proof of it right before my eyes like this, imagine what's going on behind my back? He'll be pissed, but whatever. And I do wish him the best of luck. He's come a long way, and I'm proud of him no matter what. But I can't take this uncertainty and lack of trust, so I'm throwin the dueces up...
"I'm movin' on to somethin' better, better, better. No more tryna make it work." We've been "tryna make it work" since November, and I'm tired of trying. I'll move on to someone who I can trust and who won't blatantly cheat on me right in front of my online face, if I don't just stay single for the rest of my life.
"Uh, used to be valentines, together all the time. Thought it was true love, but you know [men] lie." This is beyond true, because I never thought that anything like this would occur between us. We used to be like valentines all the time, just happily in love with a few issues but nothing like this. I was convinced that it was true love, just perfection, but apparently he's a liar and a cheater and I can't take that. I've been through enough with relationships and I just can't take that. Furthermore, I don't deserve that. So thanks to his decisions, these valentines are being split right in half and that's the end of that.
"It's like I sent my love with a text two times. Call because I care but I ain't gettin no reply." Clearly I made comment back on FB, sent him a FB message, a text as well, and it's quite obvious that he got them all because if he can get on and get HER stuff and write on HER wall and have nostalgic conversations with her about fucking gummy worms and "You know I can still tell when you're lying right?" and comment on her picture that has a caption of "he make me smile" and say "word :)" meaning "yeah I know I do, that's what's up bae, love you," in the undercover version...I'm more hurt than anything. Like not even jealous, just...hurt. Really hurt. It's like, even though we technically aren't together, we agreed that we're "dating without calling it that." So can someone, anyone out there, please explain to me how it makes sense that we're "together without the title" but yet he has the freedom to go and flirt as he wants, but yet I've been here for these last 2 months, RELIGIOUSLY writing him letters every night and day and spending my hard-earned money to pay for postage to mail them to freaking Texas, ripping and running here and there to the post office and mailbox to make sure that there's nothing new there from him, and pretty much put my happiness on hold and lied to EVERYONE in my life, including myself, and now he's gonna turn around and act like this?! And go around talking to this floosie that CLEARLY he said he didn't want in the first place after they broke up...and just leave me hanging, not even tell me what's up, nothing? *deep breath, wipe away the tears, toughen the skin & move on*

I don't even feel like analyzing any more lyrics.
That right there, that last big paragraph, it describes how I feel.
I need to stop before I have an aneurysm.
Anyway, I'm flippin the middle finger up and the index finger is following because I'm done.
Worst part?
I can't talk to anyone about it.
Which is my fault.
So I've learned my lesson on multiple things.
A.) Don't trust ANYONE, it only gets you screwed over in the end.
B.) Don't fall head-over-heels when you're in a situation where the person isn't trustworthy & isn't able to physically be there for you.
C.) Don't lie.
Three lessons I should have learned a long time ago.

SHABBA.