As I sit here and stare at this picture before me, fists clenched so hard that my nails are literally cutting into my palm in spots and I feel the circulation in part of my hand beginning to disappear, tears of anger, fear, and regret well up in my eyes and I grow more and more emotional.
True story of about 2 minutes ago.
Only part of the stress in my life.
Anyway.
Today was pretty good.
I got up early.
Went shopping with Daddy.
We stopped and got food and all of us sat here and ate- Mama, Daddy and I.
Then he was about to leave and we were standing outside talking.
Melody, Kaitlyn & Harold come strutting up the steps, about to take Harold to work.
Cool.
We stood there and talked more.
Daddy left.
They left.
Then a little later, maybe like an hour later, Jr came home for lunch.
Melody & Kaitlyn came in and talked for a while.
Then I walked outside to check something on the tow truck.
And Linda's rolling down the street.
Linda is our next door neighbor, by the way.
She's also my cousin.
She's great.
Anyway.
So she just got back from therapy and was highly pissed and in pain.
She's been talking to Mama a lot lately since Mama's been through all of that stuff.
Anyway.
So we had Grand Central Station going in here.
Mama, Jr, Melody, Kaitlyn, Linda, and I.
Then Shane shows up.
We all sat there and talked.
Jr went back to work.
Shane just dropped by to say hey and grab something from his big envelope that he needed for work.
Then left.
So all of us still sat here and talked.
Then everyone left.
Melody & Kaitlyn went downstairs to eat.
Linda went to get her kids from school.
When she got back she came right over here again and we talked for another hour and a half or so.
I mainly laughed and giggled because Linda is HILARIOUS.
Anyway.
Then Jr got here and she left shortly after to go get her husband from work.
And that was that.
Our afternoon was basically the usual after that.
I read.
Mama popped bubbles.
Jr farmed.
I got on the computer for a while.
Thought about OSTG.
Gathered my exact thoughts about what I'm gonna write and intended to start writing.
Then I got horribly sleepy.
So I sat the computer down.
Then Mama wanted me to eat dinner with her.
So I ate.
Read some more.
Then called Daddy.
Then had a hardcore dance workout that I so desperately needed to release some stress.
But of course it did nothing beneficial for my ankle.
OH.
I didn't tell you all, did I?
Yeah.
Well.
A few years back.
Likeeeeeeeee, 4-ish.
I tore ligaments in my right foot and ankle.
It. Hurt. Like. Holy. High. Heavens.
And I had to be on crutches for about 2 weeks.
Maybe longer, I don't know.
Anyway.
The doctor said it'd heal, but I may still experience problems afterward for perhaps a lifetime.
Popping, occasional pain, swelling randomly, all that fun stuff.
Well I've always had issues with the popping since then.
That doesn't hurt.
It just feels funny but relaxes it at the same time.
Occasionally I'd have pain.
Never had swelling since the time I was on crutches.
Then.
Sunday.
Daddy and I went out for a walk after our dinner, like I said in my previous post.
My ankle started hurting pretty badly, but I didn't think anything of it.
I didn't have on the best shoes for walking, and my body was tired and I probably just needed to exercise it.
That's what I thought.
It was doing a little popping while I was walking, which is kind of rare, but I thought nothing of it.
There was a little burning sensation, but nothing like the original time.
And I shrugged it off and tried to take my mind off of the pain.
To no avail.
I just didn't say anything to anyone though, because it's obvious that no one cares except for one person.
I'll get to that.
Anyway.
I got home and was about to get undressed to take a shower, and I tried to kick my shoe off.
In pain, of course.
But it wouldn't come off.
Normally I slide them on and off with ease.
Not this time.
I looked down and my entire foot was bigger than the shoe in size, but it was compacted into the shoe somehow and had like molded itself to the inside of the shoe and was basically stuck.
I had to wrestle with my own foot and shoe for about 10 minutes before I could finally get the shoe off.
I took a shower really quick, and elevated my foot on my bed with about 5 pillows.
The swelling went down some, and I put ice on it and then a heating pad, just like I had to do the first time.
It helps the pain either way, ligaments or not.
Either way, I relaxed.
Still said nothing to anyone because again, no one would have cared if I did anyway.
So then I talked to Twin.
And ended up falling asleep later.
Shane comes in and finds my leg propped up on all of these pillows and of course wonders wth is going on.
He wakes me up and I was skeptical about telling him at first.
I wasn't sure if he'd shrug me off like everyone else seems to love to do, so I just sorta hesitated.
He continued to inquire, so I explained.
He rubbed it softly with Bengay, which is this muscle rub stuff that heats up the muscles and relaxes them.
It smells like straight up Vick's Vapor Rub, but he didn't mind.
It makes your eyes water and the smell lingers in the room & bed linens and whatnot for DAYS.
But Shane made no fuss about it.
He just massaged it gently and though it hurt, it helped a lot.
When I woke up the next morning, the swelling had gone down significantly and the pain was much better.
I started walking around and doing my normal everyday duties, and it swelled up again and began to hurt again.
But the swelling wasn't as bad.
The pain was worse, though.
I put a brace on and still never said anything to anyone.
I wore socks so that Mom wouldn't see the brace because I didn't want to put her through the aggravation of pretending to care.
Anyway.
Shane came home and I had put more ice on it, and he massaged it again for a little while until it started to aggravate it.
Then he just laid it down softly and talked to me until I fell asleep.
Then this morning, the swelling was gone, but the pain was excruciating.
To put weight on it hurt like never before.
So I put the brace on, put on my tennis shoes and jeans and no one knew.
But by the time I got here from shopping with Daddy, I was so hot I couldn't take it, so I went and put on shorts.
I took off the brace, in hopes that maybe it'd help or something, and in an effort to make myself look normal.
I forced myself to walk normally, without a limp the entire day, until finally, I couldn't take it any longer.
While Linda was here, I got up and went in my room, slid the brace on, and came out.
I tried to exercise it after that, and never said a word still.
No one mentioned it until hours later.
I knew Jr wouldn't.
Mama, I figured she would have beforehand, but I wasn't surprised when she didn't.
About 3 hours later, she stared at the computer screen, never breaking her gaze to glance at me.
"What's wrong with your ankle," she asked in an aggravated tone.
"It's swolen and hurts. Feels like when I tore those ligaments, but I don't think that's what it is."
Not.
Another.
Word.
DOES NO ONE IN THIS WORLD HAVE AN OUNCE OF CARING FOR ME IN THEIR BODY TO THE POINT WHERE NO ONE CAN EVEN FAKE CARING ABOUT ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
I just don't get it.
I don't mean to complain.
But hear me out, please.
You can't interrupt me and talk about yourself instead, so you'll listen, won't you Blogger?
Thank you.
Anyway.
It's a double standard.
What do I do everyday?
Do I not sit here and listen to people's problems, and help them with whatever is going on in their lives?
Is that not my duty?
But yet.
Here I am.
Offering an open ear and a clear shoulder to cry on.
And no one can even take two minutes to listen to me and what's going on in my life?
Am I THAT insignificant, boring, unappreciated, and unimportant that I'm not even worth that?
I don't deserve that much?
I guess not.
And I'm not surprised.
So for the past few weeks, I probably haven't been myself.
I've been trying to figure out what I've been doing that makes people so aggravated with me.
And why I'm not worth the sacrifice of two minutes to listen.
And why everyone appears to be growing more and more annoyed with me by the day.
I've been paranoid for the past few weeks, trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me that makes no one care anymore.
Then I realized what was really going on.
One of two things.
A.) I'm crazy, delusional, and hallucinating, and everyone is acting fine and I'm just imagining everything going on in my life.
Or B.)
No one cared to begin with, and they just pretended to, and slowly, one at a time, they decided that caring about me isn't worth it.
That they truly don't care, and don't wish to try to care.
Or show an ounce of consideration.
Which I mean, I'll deal with it.
I've dealt with worse before.
I just don't know WHAT THE HELL I've done to everyone in my life that makes me seem so unappetizing.
To the point where no one will spare a second of their time to listen.
True, some people in my life have always been like that, and I've dealt with that and learned not to take it personally.
However.
That was all fine and dandy.
I was cool.
Until EVERYONE else in my current life decided to follow their example.
I can only think of one person who either is a perfect pretender, or who truly cares.
I'll keep that person's identity a secret.
I just don't get it.
It's been the focus of my entire recent life.
And I can't think of anything else.
I feel like I'm going crazy slowly.
I feel like I'm depressed.
I feel like I'm going to shoot someone before this stress gets out of my system.
I feel like I'm going to need an overwhelming amount of Prozac.
I feel like I'm going to go crazy if I don't get this out of my system.
I feel like I'm going to go crazy if I don't go crazy first.
Yeah, that made no sense.
That entire rant made no sense to anyone but me, I'm sure.
Not that anyone cares.
Because they've already shown me that they don't.
With the exception of one person.
And honestly, I'm surprised that that one person cares.
I don't know why this person cares, but all I can do is thank this person epically.
This person is giving me all that I need right now, and that's an ounce of a ray of happiness in this doom dark-filled padded room that I find myself locked in for an undisclosed amount of time.
SHABBA!
No comments:
Post a Comment